空虚--虚荣--空虚

浏览了别人的部落格，
写的文章都很诗意，
很有深度，
很美。。。。
能希望自己也是这样吗？
我到底做了什么？
我到底会不会是个普通的人呢？
到底在这一切的烦恼中周旋，
对我有什么好处呢？
世上没有绝对的朋友，
更没有绝对的敌人。
那现在所结交的朋友，
是不是代表没有天长地久？
是不是意识到最后还是剩下---
一场梦？

我的一生就是一场游戏一场梦？
为什么，
我不能有件让我自己感到自豪的事？
一件大家都认为我很在行，
很特别，很本事。。。。
这是虚荣？还是空虚？
到现在才知道，
一切虚荣的背后，
究竟只是一场空虚。。。

midnight fever....

guess what? i am on blogging at midnight, listening to songs on Youtube... even though i feel tired i still stay up during midnights... what the heck has happened to me actually? i don't know argh.....it is maybe i feared that if i wake up, things will not be like what i remembered yesterday, all the nicest things in the world is left behind me , left in yesterday and i have no choice but keep on going on today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow.....i can't go back, i can just dream of it in my dreams.... i'm just a little too not over you....

snapped...

it was a turmoil of feelings since a week before pmr... i felt restless and angry and furious and uncomfortable during these long days... eventhough i looked cheerful and cheesy all the way, facing everyone i met, i still incur in a war between myself. i know that maybe i am over-sensitive for the moment but i still can't help to stop thinking of every detail said to me and how it hurt my feelings etc...i realised that if i talk to someone they might just laugh over and say:" don't think that much" and it doesn't help at all... i feel frightened for myself... helpless standing infront of the rushing bus, waiting for it to roll over me, without a thought of thinking to runaway from the spot.i keep things to myself, i talk to myself.... nothing seems normal that time... sometimes its hard to be friends which are way too unsensitive...have to say that i don't like to befriend an extremely sensitive person and i don't want to part of the group too, but sometimes i still get angry with those people who doesn't think about what others are thinking. they maybe just treat u as anyone else and think you could never be different or feel blue anytime. but it takes just 2 minutes for me to wake up and tell myself that i shouldnt blame them as they are my most supportive friends, i will forgive them evenwhen they make terrible mistakes. i can take it as i don't want to lose them. there goes my emotions, locked up safe and sound in my deep heart's core....
here comes the problem... whenever people don't treat me as the same way they do, i feel pushed away...it is the most unacceptable feeling in my life as i can't live in a silent environment all day long...i longed for the care at certain times when i feel empty, but i can't show it out, feeling that maybe no one cares...i weep once 4 that feeling to spill out and being washed away with icy cold 2 am water...
right now i am writing all these history, i feel like 4 that time i might have snapped if i blurt it out, you know, high pressured gasses have very strong energy release... better if it was let go some by some...it melts away...
i haven't snap, and i wont in the future... for the bright is always shining in the front of me, guiding me to hold upon tolerance and perseverance...

jie yu, do you know that you've done a great job on self control?
you certainly deserves a treat...haha.....

a little comment on my own blog....

i found out that my blog was a disaster after looking at it... it wasn't organized and i wasn't satisfied with my writing recently... shows that i am having a drop on readers and my own creativity too....haha...maybe it wasn't interesting enough and people yawn when looking at those posts... but what reminds me is that the motive of starting a blog is not just for others purpose of reading, its the satisfactory after writing a post and see it on your somewhat like own website. but i feel there is hollow in me as some of it just consists of crap.and i can't see me improving on how to write better posts or short stories or just an expression of feelings ...it is a very unpredictable bom in me and will explode if i can't find the correct button and push it to stop the timing... maybe all i need is just some reassurance....someone just help me out of this.... please....

the nursery..

这就是我一个童年的梦。常看到一些英国的故事书，那儿的小孩都有自己的游乐室（somewhat called a nursery）。他们的玩具都放那儿。小时候总觉得英国的小孩都有很多玩具，满满的一柜。故事里都是那样说的。然后到了晚上，没被收拾的玩具就这样散落在地上，等待明天主人再来陪它们玩。非常令人羡慕的事，那些玩具都看起来很好玩，我以前的玩具多数属于智力型的，不会有娃娃还是软软的毛熊， 也没有风筝小农场和小拉车。更不会有人送我满满一袋的甜食让我一面吃一面玩。看着别人故事里头的幸福，自己非常的憧憬能有那样的游戏室。

五六岁的时候，家里的墙壁都是肮脏的浅青色，因为我很喜欢涂鸦，而且不是用擦得掉的铅笔，而是用蜡笔和水彩大肆作画。作的画当然抽象，是一堆堆的颜色和线条，杂乱无章的。我要的游戏室，是贴着美丽浅蓝色的天空的壁纸。我非常喜欢蓝天白云，因为那颜色很柔和很舒服。游戏室里当然要有我喜欢的玩具，而且不会出现枪械之类的玩具，因为会和那游戏室产生强烈的个性对比（虽然我那时也对打仗相扑弹石头感到很兴趣）。然后最想要得是个大大的毛熊，虽然自己天生对灰尘敏感，毛熊稍有点脏我就不能与它接触，但还是很喜欢。要胖胖的，毛要摸起来滑滑的，还一定要是褐色的，不能是粉红浅蓝还是白色。

这张图是我画的，因为下午觉得自己发呆的次数好像已经变成个老人似的，就拿起画册，把久违的画面画出来。虽然画的不怎么样，但是看上去会有那种与从前的梦重逢的幸福和喜悦。虽然最后我还是没能建立自己的游戏室，但是那残留的一缕编织那梦的毛线，是个美丽的纪念。

exam, Parade, Twilight, AND sweets.....

这就是我这个考试月所有一直想和一直做的几件事。通常大家一看就知道那是个败家女不然就是考试一团糟的人。也不知道那是不是真的。。。不过把心完完全全放在读书上对我来说是不可能的任务。（惨了，专注力特别糟， 有人还说我可能在别人和我求婚的时候跟那个人说：“诶，对面那个人也在求婚耶，要不要去看看？”之类的糟糕情况出现。）
考试前个星期把twilight & eclipse都看完了，平均每一百面速度是四十五分钟左右吧，一下子就看完。并没有很被吸引的感觉， 只是觉得作者很厉害，跟哈利波特有异曲同工之妙，都很魔幻。。。不过我本人比较喜欢这套书，因为哈利波特原版我还没看过。。。（根本不能比较嘛， 笨蛋）
一面看书/读书，嘴里都是吃着糖和巧克力。。。看过医学报告，人类的脑部消耗的能量大多是葡萄糖，摄取适量使大脑不疲累， 阅读能更持久。。。也可能加强记忆力。。。（其实都只是个借口来吃糖罢了）别人送了很多嘛。。。TOBERLONE & CLOUD 9我爱你！！！！！
parade是我考完地理的那天去的， 我也应该去的，因为我能踏入那里的机会不是很多，可以说是没几次。跟朋友走几下碰到一块时，竟然被她的手毛的静电电到！她竟然什么都没感觉到。。。走远一点是她靠过来跟我说话又被那静电的威力伤害道我脆弱的神经线。。。最后拍拍她的肩膀想告诉她“不要靠过来了你手上的静电会伤到我”时，她大喊一声然后跳离我五十厘米之远。我知道发生了什么事，结果在parade的空旷走廊上狂笑不止，结果两个傻婆就在走廊上演警察追贼的剧情，结果警察（我）成功用电棒（手）制止了那个贼（盈欣）逃跑。。。我们再map accessories 买了胶纸。。。我其实不是那种逛首饰店或可爱装饰品店的女生， 平时都只会看吃的（真没用，难怪你那么胖，该死）， 但是就是不知道被哪个巫婆下了降头， 买了如此可爱的胶纸。散卖一个五十仙，两个包在一起的买一块一？不是贵了十仙吗？！ 谁那么笨去买两个包在一起的？还用问，当然就是那个巫婆咯。。。哈哈。。。不过要感谢那巫婆拖我进去买， 才会得到意想不到的收获。。。我的朋友们，你们的生日礼物有着落啦，哈哈哈。。。（就是那些散卖五十仙， 两个----（废话一堆）的胶纸啦）不要等大着眼睛看着我，那些生日即将到来的朋友们， 我没有懒到送你一个五十仙的礼物的。。。
至于考试嘛。。。不知道要说什么好。。。 不像没准备也不像有准备的。。。。是有点考就考的心态。不知道会不会是我的致命伤呢？我不知道。。。其实除了国语，别的干得还不赖的。。。

刚跟贼吵架了，警察洗手不干了。。。。。电棒跌在地上，滚到一边去了。。。。。

a fresh start of our friendship....

the old friendship whithered, stood in the cold morning, drops of dew frozen on the branches of the brown crooked trunk. it looked miserable, yet it was past, a history in the new spring dawn....
as hours pass by, sprouts shoot silently from the dry depleted grounds, forcing their way to meet the first ray of sunlight, twisting and turning, strive and perservere till the sound of soil breaking, the moment of hope was heard...only one little plant succeeded....
what a tiny plant. can it hold still to the ground even? will it survive through the wild busy environment that never rests? we'll never know... but it is a hope...
" thou shall live with dignity and honour" said the tiny plant.
in the night,
it feeds on the old whithered trunk, juicing the smallest drop of nutrient from the brown wrinkled bark...
in the day,
it grows slowly, enjoying the light yet satisfyingly warm ray of sun...
in the night,
it cries silently, listening to the sorrow of the nightingale, singing an eerie tune of nocturne, afraid, yet helpless...
in the day,
it cherishes the hardworking ants which lived neighbouring side by side with it, in and out working all day long...
the most ordinary plant that lead an ordinary life, succeeded in living in this wild violent world...

and thats the fresh start of our friendship....nothing special, but long lasting....